The Truth About Addiction - Clean Slate # 29
How I'm feeling about my journey: 😓 Burdoned
It's been nearly a month since I've written here. I got a bit derailed after realizing how overwhelming it felt to try to get a post out every day. So I took my ambitions in the opposite direction and made no posts at all! This is typical for me. Lots of things are simply black and white in my mind. I argue that this serves me in some kind of positive way, namely in giving me a secure direction under any given circumstance. However, I think it rather causes me grief where maybe I shouldn't have to be suffering grief at all.
While I've been absent, I've managed to mostly follow the rules I'd written about my dieting...no, that's not really true. I think I actually broke all but ONE rule (the 'no eating sugar' one). The longer I've stayed away from here (my accountability tool), the more and more I felt willing to cheat my rules. It started with accidentally watching TV while eating a snack and ended by straight up binge eating on mostly carbs and fats while also binge watching TV. Awesome! TV sucks...
While I was journaling this morning, it dawned on me that this food stuff is going to be so much more than I was prepared for when I sat down alone here in front of my computer making resolutions last month. This is a REAL problem, not just a silly thing I'm worrying about, but an actual real living addiction: an organism with it's own life. I started to realize that I'm going to need much more than virtual accountability to get past it. This problem is bigger than I understand and
I did some more reading on binge eating disorder this morning. Although, like I said before, I don't identify with all the signs and symptoms of the disorder, I am aware now that I do identify with MOST of them and I think that's enough to give my issues the overall name "Binge Eating Disorder" and/or "Food Addiction/Overeating". I think the only classic binge eating behavior I don't exhibit is hiding my eating. I will tend to eat more when no one is around to witness it, but I don't keep it a secret and I don't aim to create space for seclusion when eating. It's more likely that the loneliness and boredom I feel when I'm alone brings on the binge as a coping mechanism, as opposed to me feeling a need to make alone time in order to create space for a binge.
While I'd said before that I won't eat a whole cake or a whole loaf of bread with peanut butter, like the girl with binge eating disorder I'd read about last month, I WILL binge eat the equivalent or greater in calories and volume while switching between all different types of foods. I think this is a strategy I discovered in trying to prevent feeling intense guilt over my binges. It allowed me to never have to sit there afterward with the painful truth looming over me that I'd eaten an ENTIRE cake. I could ease the stress of my binge by saying, I had a big piece of cake, and cereal, and chips, and fruit, and a mini pizza, and, and, and...then I would convince myself that all of those things weren't THAT much. I could group them into meal categories that fit a daily allowance of food, such as, "cereal and fruit equals breakfast, pizza equals lunch, chips equal a snack, and cake equals dessert". Then I would think something crazy like, "I can still eat something else and count it as dinner" (while trying to ignore the fact that it's maybe still only 10 am).
Ugh...this is embarrassing to put on paper. As I write this and really look at what's been controlling me, it seems so ridiculous and pathetic. My ability to make excuses for myself is mighty. Major denial...
Early in my journey, I'd professed that I wasn't an emotional "stuffer". I wrote about how I habitually process through my feelings with trusted friends, family members, and a counselor. I thought I was seeing myself through a clear lens on that assessment, until yesterday. After mulling over some tough thoughts about familial relationships, I found myself searching the kitchen for something, literally anything, to help me feel better. I was so emotionally uncomfortable that I felt physically uncomfortable as well, like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. And nothing I consumed did the trick of relieving my stress. I realized, after the entire day of indulging every whim and craving I had, that simply talking about and evaluating my emotions wasn't enough to settle them. It didn't make them dissipate, or at least not enough to leave me with a feeling of peace and comfort.
Even though I try as I might to process my hard emotions, I still carry most of them with me day in and day out. HOW do I get rid of them?! And furthermore, I guess I have to question whether I really WANT to get rid of them at all. I'm used to operating this broken way. And while it's not benefiting me to continue doing so, it's still all I know. It's what is natural for me. It at least brings some form of comfort in the way of familiarity.
Change is Hard. It shakes things all up. Change takes focus. Change takes energy (the worst of my lacking). Change takes persistence, long time effort, and strength to keep trying through failure. It takes courage and boldness. It takes patience. It takes forgiveness. Change requires a whole lot of effort that on many days, I don't feel like I can give. But I know I need to. I think I truly wonder, though, if I CAN. Am I capable of facing the discomfort and doing the work it takes to make change in my life? I would like to shout out a big,"YESSIR!" while jumping up in the air and clicking my heels. But the truth is, I'm not sure. I don't have the confidence to answer in that definitive way today.
It's been nearly a month since I've written here. I got a bit derailed after realizing how overwhelming it felt to try to get a post out every day. So I took my ambitions in the opposite direction and made no posts at all! This is typical for me. Lots of things are simply black and white in my mind. I argue that this serves me in some kind of positive way, namely in giving me a secure direction under any given circumstance. However, I think it rather causes me grief where maybe I shouldn't have to be suffering grief at all.
While I've been absent, I've managed to mostly follow the rules I'd written about my dieting...no, that's not really true. I think I actually broke all but ONE rule (the 'no eating sugar' one). The longer I've stayed away from here (my accountability tool), the more and more I felt willing to cheat my rules. It started with accidentally watching TV while eating a snack and ended by straight up binge eating on mostly carbs and fats while also binge watching TV. Awesome! TV sucks...
While I was journaling this morning, it dawned on me that this food stuff is going to be so much more than I was prepared for when I sat down alone here in front of my computer making resolutions last month. This is a REAL problem, not just a silly thing I'm worrying about, but an actual real living addiction: an organism with it's own life. I started to realize that I'm going to need much more than virtual accountability to get past it. This problem is bigger than I understand and
I NEED HELP.
I did some more reading on binge eating disorder this morning. Although, like I said before, I don't identify with all the signs and symptoms of the disorder, I am aware now that I do identify with MOST of them and I think that's enough to give my issues the overall name "Binge Eating Disorder" and/or "Food Addiction/Overeating". I think the only classic binge eating behavior I don't exhibit is hiding my eating. I will tend to eat more when no one is around to witness it, but I don't keep it a secret and I don't aim to create space for seclusion when eating. It's more likely that the loneliness and boredom I feel when I'm alone brings on the binge as a coping mechanism, as opposed to me feeling a need to make alone time in order to create space for a binge.
While I'd said before that I won't eat a whole cake or a whole loaf of bread with peanut butter, like the girl with binge eating disorder I'd read about last month, I WILL binge eat the equivalent or greater in calories and volume while switching between all different types of foods. I think this is a strategy I discovered in trying to prevent feeling intense guilt over my binges. It allowed me to never have to sit there afterward with the painful truth looming over me that I'd eaten an ENTIRE cake. I could ease the stress of my binge by saying, I had a big piece of cake, and cereal, and chips, and fruit, and a mini pizza, and, and, and...then I would convince myself that all of those things weren't THAT much. I could group them into meal categories that fit a daily allowance of food, such as, "cereal and fruit equals breakfast, pizza equals lunch, chips equal a snack, and cake equals dessert". Then I would think something crazy like, "I can still eat something else and count it as dinner" (while trying to ignore the fact that it's maybe still only 10 am).
Ugh...this is embarrassing to put on paper. As I write this and really look at what's been controlling me, it seems so ridiculous and pathetic. My ability to make excuses for myself is mighty. Major denial...
Early in my journey, I'd professed that I wasn't an emotional "stuffer". I wrote about how I habitually process through my feelings with trusted friends, family members, and a counselor. I thought I was seeing myself through a clear lens on that assessment, until yesterday. After mulling over some tough thoughts about familial relationships, I found myself searching the kitchen for something, literally anything, to help me feel better. I was so emotionally uncomfortable that I felt physically uncomfortable as well, like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. And nothing I consumed did the trick of relieving my stress. I realized, after the entire day of indulging every whim and craving I had, that simply talking about and evaluating my emotions wasn't enough to settle them. It didn't make them dissipate, or at least not enough to leave me with a feeling of peace and comfort.
Even though I try as I might to process my hard emotions, I still carry most of them with me day in and day out. HOW do I get rid of them?! And furthermore, I guess I have to question whether I really WANT to get rid of them at all. I'm used to operating this broken way. And while it's not benefiting me to continue doing so, it's still all I know. It's what is natural for me. It at least brings some form of comfort in the way of familiarity.
Change is Hard. It shakes things all up. Change takes focus. Change takes energy (the worst of my lacking). Change takes persistence, long time effort, and strength to keep trying through failure. It takes courage and boldness. It takes patience. It takes forgiveness. Change requires a whole lot of effort that on many days, I don't feel like I can give. But I know I need to. I think I truly wonder, though, if I CAN. Am I capable of facing the discomfort and doing the work it takes to make change in my life? I would like to shout out a big,"YESSIR!" while jumping up in the air and clicking my heels. But the truth is, I'm not sure. I don't have the confidence to answer in that definitive way today.
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